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(NOTE FROM AUTHOR…FIRST OF ALL, I JUST LIKE CALLING MYSELF AN AUTHOR.
SECOND OF ALL THE RATHER LARGE PHOTO OF THE LION’S PRIVATES IS NOT THERE AS A JOKE. ALTHOUGH IT MAY SEEM ODDLY APPROPRIATE. TRUTH IS… I CAN’T FIGURE OUT HOW TO DELETE THE DAMN THING!)
I hate that phrase….So That Happened. So overused. But I must be a crappy writer cause…I’m using it.
Gene Simmons, Harvey Levin and Mel Gibson walk into an event.
Gene, Harvey & Mel.
The bad boys of charity.
Specifically…
The bad boys of Mending Kids.
Minos a crazy.
So…That happened.
But before that happened my biggest issue was covering my bruises. Still black and blue from my run in with my paddle board fin (better than a shark fin).
I’m not sure animal print goes with black and blue. But I was for sure going to wear that dress.
The theme of the Mending Kids event was Africa. I put on my face of tiger dress. I know tigers are indigenous to Asia, but how often do I get to bring out the dress?
Side note …I live to help children. But I like animals too. I’ve been to Africa twice. The only animals I’ve seen are goats and camels. Not exactly a safari.
Seven camels walk into a gas station. Actually they rode in on a flat-bed truck. Nothing says Africa like someone spitting on you while you’re getting gas.
The goats were at the mall. It’s not exactly the Topanga Mall. But I love the tiny shops. I was Christmas shopping. You can get a silver cross that’s big enough to hang someone on for 40 bucks. And suddenly 30 goats walked by (Brandy Maaaaaaaaahville). Sadly the goats are on their way to slaughter. At Christmas in Ethiopia they sacrifice goats. Maybe you didn’t need to know that last point. Point being, I want to go on a safari.
I did see a few lions in Ethiopia but they were in cages. So I don’t think that counts. They used to be pets of the Emperor Haile Selassie. So the zoo is a real come down for them.
So back to me in my inappropriate tiger gown, standing around waiting for Harvey Levin.
I had asked Harvey to present an award at the event. Even though we’ve been friends for 20 years, even though I’ve got incriminating photos of him… I don’t like to bug him. He’s busy. He works so hard we should clone him. Wouldn’t troubled celebrities just love that.
But (unlike me) Harvey is always on time. When he was late I started to worry.
I sent a text: “I’m here waiting for you”. Man that sounds stalker-ish.
Harvey: ?????
Me: “Dude the Mending Kids event.”
Harvey: “Cat told me that was next week”.
Me: “Glad you got a cat but it’s NOW.”
Turns out Harvey’s assistant (named Cat) somehow thought the event was a week later. Somehow I’m sure that’s more my fault than the Cat’s fault.
Anyway I start to panic. Which is always useful.
To make a very long story a little less long…he got there in plenty of time.
He was in his TMZ tee-shirt. I tried to find him a jacket but he went for shtick over style.
When we had a moment to breathe Harvey said…I’d like to meet Mel.
That Mel. Mel Gibson. You may recall Harvey and Mel have a little TMZ history.
You remember that night Mel went to Moonshadows? Yes everyone else does too. Probably because of Harvey.
Besides both spending a lot of time on TMZ they have another thing in common. Of all the charities in all the world…Mel and Harvey both support Mending Kids.
So…feeling a like Hillary Clinton, I try shuttle diplomacy. I found Mel and told him Harvey Levin would like to say hello. Mel was taken aback. Actually that’s putting it mildly.
Mel suggested Harvey had made his career… by ruining Mel’s.
I suggested we forget the whole thing.
But Mel said …no I’ll talk to him after dinner. Yes I had interrupted Mel’s dinner (and for a rubber chicken kind of event the food was pretty good).
I found Harvey and told him what Mel said. Suddenly Harvey was too keen on the meet and greet.
Too late Dude. Horse is out of the barn. It is on.
I got on stage to start the show.
I welcome everyone. I welcome Gene Simmons and his family. I out Gene. I tell everyone his dirty little secret. He is a Philanthropist. He has helped Mending Kid mend so many lives.
I get on and off stage in one minute. OK maybe two. I can be chatty about my charity.
I find Harvey.
But Mel had already found him. They chatted. They even shook hands. I missed it. I was on stage.
Harvey said it was all fine. And I didn’t see any blood.
Mel found me and said he was glad they had buried the hatchet (and not in each other).
Harvey got on stage made a joke about his inappropriate clothing and left unscathed.
Mel got on stage and introduced Gene. Mel said for 15K Gene would teach you how to lick your eyeballs. Gene’s wife Shannon Tweed gave 25K that she said she was saving for a tummy tuck. Gene auctioned off a free KISS concert. Who doesnt want KISS to show up in your backyard?
Gene said his plan was to embarrass some rich people into saving some kids.
And he did.
We (and by we I mean Harvey, Gene and Mel) raised enough to fund a bunch of missions.
I’m going on a mission just after Thanksgiving. Going to Cambodia with a team of Cardiac Surgeons from The Philippines. Even with the tragedy there they are going to help others.
I’m excited to see Cambodia. But I did just read theat 85% of the people in the country do not have a bathroom.
And Fried Spider is a delicacy.
Anyway….
I’m thankful our event so… eventful.
For me it was also a bit stressful. Looking at the photos I see I never combed my hair.
But I’m so thankful the bad boys of Mending Kids have such big charity balls.
So…That Happened.
Harvey secretly want s to be Simon Cowell- that’s why he insists on dressing like that-and he loves his guns.
Please tell Harvey I miss him..LOL like he would remember cohosting yyour baby shower with me but he diid keep me sane .. as I recall I commited several mortal sins and hid frrom “THE DAVID” ,,,whi forgavve me..
and like why dont you ever take pity on your WIDOWED BFF and invite me to this – even I f Ican’t afford it>
LOL looking forward to Christmikah ..with the whole tribve XXXXOOOO
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great article dorothy..really interesting.
safe travels to you and the group