WARDROBE MALFUNCTIONS and SOME VOMIT.

Why does my cat vomit on the carpet? I have plenty of hardwood floor for that. Then the dog thinks it’s an extra breakfast.

That’s what I woke up to.

But that was better than my dream.

You know that dream where you’re naked in public? Sadly sometimes dreams do come true.

I had a wardrobe malfunction. I was in public. And almost naked in front of God and Maria Shriver. And many of the people you see on TV news in LA.

It all started with Rent The Runway.

Well, actually it all started 7 years ago when 5 LA news women from different TV stations decided to start a scholarship fund. With hard work and some stupidly (what the hell did we know about fund-raising) it grew into a foundation that has given away almost two million to woman & children in LA. It’s called the Good News Foundation.

OK that’s my plug for the Good News Girls. Now back to the story of my back…

A while back I rented a cute dress from that website Rent the Runway. I loved it. I wanted to buy it. Which defeats the purpose of renting it.

While planning our Good News Fundraiser the two most important things are…who are we honoring, and what are we wearing.

The board members always wear the same color dress. It’s like a cult or something.

Wendy Burch from KTLA insisted we wear red. Which leads me to believe she already had a fabulous red dress.

I knew the short, lacy, inappropriate dress I had rented in black also came in red. So I said yes.

But the dress was no longer available in red (I swear I’m trying to shorten this long boring story). I had this (not so) bright idea to get a copy of the dress made in China. A designer dress rip off for 80 bucks. I was thrilled.

The dress must have taken a slow boat from China. It arrived the day before the event. And maybe it would have fit Barbie. It looked like a size less than zero.

In a panic I bought (Hello! Not working! Should not be shopping!) and borrowed some red dresses. I brought my “bargin” Shanghai red dress to show the girls how cute I could have looked.

The hair and makeup girls (I swear the only thing I miss from TV is the free hair and makeup) loved the dress. They swore they could get me in it. Keep in mind they do hair & makeup, NOT wardrobe. They tried. They zipped the zipper half way and double-sided taped me.

Looked great but would break every time I hugged someone.

So they pinned me in. We thought it would be OK on stage.

We are all supposed to dance out on stage. I’m no Ellen. I can’t dance. And I really can’t dance when my dress is coming apart.

I did a half assed dance and felt a safety-pin pop.

I started to speak. People stood up. I’ve never had a standing ovation. I was about to cry.

Another pin popped.

I introduced the beautiful charity we were honoring. It’s called Lipstick Angels. And they are Angels with wands, mascara wands, instead of wings. They give makeovers and comfort to cancer patients.

As each make up artist came up on stage I hugged them.

Pins popped.

As we gave them more and more makeup, more pins popped.

And then the zipper started unzipping.

I was trying to hold myself together. One of the Angels standing behind me was literally trying to hold me together.

I really did not want to moon Maria Shriver. Or my Mom, my son, or anyone in the audience.

I ran backstage and ripped off the damn dress.

Investigative reporter Ana Garcia was about to go on stage. I believe I actually did moon her.

I changed into a (somewhat) more appropriate dress. Ana made me go back on stage and explain what had happened. She told the esteemed audience she had just seen me naked. I asked if I looked good naked. I don’t recall her answering.

Ana was honoring an amazing afterschool program. It’s called A Place Called Home. And for the kids it is. They have a garden. They actually grow corn in South Central LA. They asked us for computers. We gave them 60 computers! They asked us for shoes for dance class. Our classy friend Nigel Lythgoe got Capezio to donate dance shoes. Several of the students were on stage and they were elated. One of the teenagers started dancing with Nigel. It was adorable. Untill…the wardrobe malfunction.

It was worse than mine.

It was worse that Janet Jackson’s.

She just kind of popped out of her dress. She was mortified. Nigel’s face was redder than my dress. I happened to be taking a photo. And no I will not show you the photo. The young lady would be horrified. And besides it’s practically child porn.

Finally Maria Shriver got her Lifetime Achievement Award. She gave a beautiful speech about doing good. She said lovely things about our charity. She also mentioned that before going on stage most of the Good News Girls had a quick sip of champagne. Hey…we believe in FUN-lanthropy! I swear we all prayed backstage too. Maria just didn’t see that part.

We were so honored to honor her. We bugged her about it for so long she said it was either say yes, or get a restraining order.

After the show I bored her with a story from long ago. I was a kid living near DC when I spotted her daddy. Yes even as a kid I was a political junkie. Her dad Sargent Shriver (quick history lesson) helped start the Peace Corps and the Special Olympics. He also ran as Vice President with George McGovern in a very unsuccessful attempt to beat Richard Nixon (OK lesson over).

I saw Maria and her Dad in a department store in Northern Virginia. They had no security. It was just the two of them. Maria, a beautiful teenager, was trying on bathing suits. Dad was sitting outside the dressing room vetoing each bikini..

When Maria left the event we all had (another) glass of champagne. The event was a success. We made money. We gave away money.

And I had my first panic attack on stage.

But unlike my cat…I didn’t throw up.