MY STALKER

It was unnerving at first.
I was being followed.
He was maybe 2 feet behind me.
Then on my left.
Then my right.
I wondered if there were two of them.
I moved faster.
He did too.
I felt vulnerable because I was in a bikini ( trust me…not a great look for me.)
I turned and looked at him.
He looked at me.
I got on my knees.
We were eye to eye.
He had brown eyes.
He was short, dark and shiny.
I should have run but that’s hard to do in the water.
I spoke to him.
He went away.
Then came back.
Even closer.
I sat down.
I said Hi.
He left.
Then came back…again.
He obviously didn’t want to talk.
So I started to paddle.
He followed me the entire time I was in the ocean.
Every time I spoke the seal dove under water.
I guess my voice is annoying to him too.
But he was with me for about an hour.
So close I could touch him with my paddle.
Which reminds me of something a wise person once said.
Actually she said it two days ago.
My friend Char, the world-renowned psychic, had something to tell me.
I was looking for wisdom, clarity and possibly a free reading.
She said…”Life is Wack A Mole”
Really?
That dumb game where you smack the crap out of a plastic varmint?
Char said you gotta wack negative thoughts out of your head. Sorry if you hate showtunes but I kept humming … I’m gonna wack that thought right outta my head.
She said lofty things too like…surround yourself with light.
But all I really got was…you gotta wack that thought…
So when my stalker seal and I were on the water yesterday…I wacked…nevermind that just sounds wrong. How about… I was filled with peaceful thoughts.
Until a wave wacked me off my board and put me through the ocean washing machine.
I told my surfer son it was a big wave. Big to him is overhead. This was at least over kneecap.
He didn’t laugh at me.
Possibly because I was bleeding.
The fin (of the board…no sharks in the water, just a cute seal) cut my arm. That’s what I get for not wearing a wetsuit.
My arm is black and blue and purple too.
And I lost my pink Yankee baseball cap.
I dragged my board and my butt home.
Tried to wash my hair. Didn’t try to put makeup on. Put on a dress with sleeves. That was OK because the invitation said Business Attire. Which I always interpret as boring clothing.
Took some Advil. I took 4. Was that a bad idea?
And I was on my way to the Equality Now dinner.
It was glorious. Gloria Steinem spoke. Joss Wheaton was honored. Colbie Caillat sang. Is this too much name dropping? Don’t worry there’s more.
I was sitting in the way back chatting with Jane Seymour. Jay Leno walked by and said…”Who do you have to know to get this table?”
From my apparently crappy table I did not see my friend Maria Shriver who was there. But I did see Jane Seymour and Jane Fonda (did you know Jane Fonda’s full name is Jane Seymour Fonda?)
And I saw Jada Pinkett Smith’s new hairdo. She shaved part of her head. Don’t love the hair (or lack there of) but her arms are amazing. Perfectly sculped and not at all purple.
Went home. Took Arnica (figured I was about to OD on Advil).
This morning I’m a lot less purple. I’m on my way to yellow-green.
The sun light is dancing on the Pacific.
I am…as I know Char wants me to be…surrounnded by light.
I’m tempted to get my paddleboard.
I know my seal is out there somewhere.
But I won’t go today.
I got wacked. Just like that poor mole.