GOD and GOSSIP

REBUILDING MY CHURCH with my Mom & Son. 2011

I think God hates me.

I know Jesus loves me. The Bible tells me so.

But I was thinking somebody somewhere up there is mad.

I was a bad Catholic.

But I’m a pretty good Presbyterian. I go to Church on a (mostly) regular basis.

But I skipped Sunday.

Then I get a text from a friend.

She says Bono is there.

Now I try to obey the Commandments.

I never murder anyone.

That number 10: Thou shall not covet…is a bitch.

And that number 1 is tricky: Have no false Gods before me.

If you ask me to make a Sophie’s Choice of who I want to see on Sunday…Bono or Jesus?  It might take me a moment.

But I should have known even the angry Old Testament God wouldn’t make me miss Bono.

So Bono wasn’t at church (but I bet Jesus was).

Turns out our Pastor ran into him at Café Habana (I know SO Malibu). He pretended Bono was coming to show people that we’ve turned celebrities into Gods.

I do love Bono. And  I love that Super Soul Sunday Church of Oprah.  But I do think my priorities are (mostly) in line.

I had a God shot years ago.

Wakes you up like a tequila shot.

I was working on a show. That one I did for 18 years or so.

I was feeling queasy and uneasy about my job.

I’d do a rude story about a celeb and then run into them in Malibu at Starbucks.

It was like shitting (or having a latte) where you eat.

I remember Jennifer Anniston telling me “I watched you this morning.”

I was like…please don’t.

That’s not taking pride in your work.

So I went to speak with the Associate Pastor at Church. Figured that was cheaper than therapy.

We had a long talk.

I got nothing out of it.

She told me about the time she gave God a kind of Ice Bucket Challenge.

She said to God “show me who you are.”

She opened her Bible and saw the words “ I am.”

Worked for her.

For me?

Nothing.

I got up to leave and pretended she’d helped me.

She said  “Dorothy, God delights in you”.

Delight? I felt like crap.

But I decided to try her Bible challenge.

I opened my Bible (even the heathen gossip reporter had one).

I saw the word… delight.

I saw Psalm 37:  Delight your self in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.

I no longer felt like shit (is it wrong to use profanity when talking about God?)

I felt delight.

I felt like God sent me a Hallmark card.

So when I covet, when I get bitchy…I try to recall my delight.

And I ask God for the desires of my heart.

And even though I missed Church Sunday… I still got God’s message.

I need to spend more time at Café Habana.