I’m one safety pin away from a wardrobe malfunction.

Again.

I rented a Herve Leger from Rent the Runway.

That’s the dress that acts like Spanx.

Figured I’d never get my bottom in the small.

Forgot about  the top

Needed  my boobs and maybe JLo’s to fill the medium.

So out came the safety pin.

The last time I was on stage at a fundraiser my zipper broke.

So out came the safety pins.

Finally pinned in.

I was on my way to the Mending Kids gala.

Ana Garcia and I were opening the show.

Ana had something stuck in her throat as we walked on stage

.

So we asked “is there a doctor in the house”

Half the audience was doctors.

None of them laughed.

Last year I also opened the show.

But the real show was in the back of the room.

Two of the most generous men I know could have come to blows.

Mel Gibson and Harvey Levin were both at the gala.

When TMZ Harvey met Mel it wasn’t pretty.

They have a little history.

I can sum it up for you in two words.

Sugar Tits.

By the way…Mel says he never called that cop Sugar Tits.

He wishes he did.

He could copyright it.

What girl wouldn’t want a tee shirt that says Tasty Sugar Tits?

So Harvey told me he wanted to meet Mel.

I asked Mel if he wanted to meet the face of TMZ.

Mel said…”Harvey made his career by ruining mine.”

Yet they met.

And they shook hands.

The hatchet was buried.

And not in anyone’s chest.

The only drama this year was my safety pin.

And saving the lives of kids.

Mending Kids helped save the lives of 550 kids this year.

And that’s exactly how many people came to the gala.

I looked around thinking each person here represents a child.

Save a child and you save a family.

Save a family and you save a village.

Save a village…well you get it.

These days I’m more obsessed with saving lives than discussing Kim Kardashian’s butt.

But I’m sure we will discuss both on today’s radio show.

Ana and I are doing a UBN radio show about charity.

I  want to call it Charity Bitch.

She doesn’t care for that name.

Thoughts people?

If we were hot we’d call it …Hot Mother Teresa.

But since we’re  kinda not…

How about…Saving the World One Wardrobe Malfunction At a Time?