BEST BEAUTY SH#T EVER!

Mary Ascension Science of Excellence (aka Fat Whisper) Aerial Pilates
and Tanis Rhines
The Garden Spa ‘T
http://thegardenspat.com>

http://bobileonard.com

People ask me…
What are you doing?
That’s different from…
What have you done?
When someone asks what have you done…
I think…
Really?
Then I think…
Bitch.
Done implies plastic surgery.
Right?
Bad plastic surgery.
I think.
Doing implies you look good.
I think.
So if you are asking what I’m doing…
Thanks.
I’m doing a lot.
I’m drinking a lot of water.
I’m drinking less wine.
I survived dry January.
I’m having a semi dry February.
I’ve lost weight.
Especially in my face.
I used to be the Stay Puff girl.
But my fat was whispered to…
By my friend the Fat Whisperer…
Yes that’s what I call her.
Because she helps you lose fat.
Almost magically.
Ask almost any celebrity.
She whispers to your fat.
Actually she yells at it.
Or at least at me.
She yelled…
“Wine ages you!
Stop drinking that shit”
So I did.
She’s helping me cleanse.
With wraps and teas and some brown crap that she put on my thighs and tummy.
It’s coffee and clay and she uses more herb and spices than the Colonel.
Then Mary (yes The Whisperer has a name) put me in a Presso suit.
And presto…
I’m a sweaty, slightly skinner mess
Then her partner in spa starts on my face.
They vasodilated me.
I haven’t been dilated since I had my kid.
They call it a facial erection.
All the blood and oxygen goes to your face.
I’m glowing like a nuclear mishap.
And then they smother me in organic stuff.
Like Acai & Goji Berry Crème.
Probably the healthiest day of my life.
And a good way to jump-start a diet.
I’m trying to give up sugar.
That’s harder wine.
Speaking of whining…
Bitch Rolfed me.
Mary gave me a very painful massage.
Rolfing realigns your body.
She says it gets rid of your physical and emotional junky shit.
Did I mention it was painful?
She also teaches Aerial Pilates.
You swing from her ceiling.
It’s teaching me to suck in my tummy.
i’ve lost 5 pounds.
And if I suck my stomach in it will look like I’ve lost 10.
Having friends in facial places doesn’t suck.
Another friend said come try my…
I’m a beauty whore.
I rushed over.
Renee Lynn is doing something she calls the Youth Blast facial.
I call it the blue light special.
Blue laser to reduce stress.
Red laser to tighten skin.
Then she sprayed me with the fountain of youth.
Really.
Tell Pounce de Leon I found it.
It’s called Youth Blast.
She calls it a precursor to HGH (Human Growth Hormone)
You spray it in your mouth and on your face.
It boosts collagen.
It firms your face and improves your mood.
And I need both.
Especially since I’ve given up wine.
And candy.
Do you know how hard this is for me?
I dine regularly at a 7/11.
But there’s one more thing I might like better than red, white or rose.
Rose stem cells.
And there are stem cells that resemble the color of a nice chardonnay.
Yet another friend (am I the luckiest bitch in the beauty world?) said try my skin care.
You probably know Bobi Leonard from her design business.
She’s about to redesign your face.
She has an organic stem cell skin care line.
I’ve used it for five days.
My face is so soft.
A baby’s butt would be jealous.
And the lines around my mouth are softer too.
Not that I’m so beautiful.
And not that any of this is a secret…
But those are my beauty secrets.
So…
That’s what I’m doing…
Really.

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