PROFESSOR LUCEY

My students call me Professor Lucey.
I instructed them to come up with something way cooler.
One said: What’s your nickname?
I said my Mom calls me Dotsie.
Professor Dotsie?
Professor D?
No.
And no.
Professor Selfie?
I do make then take selfies with me.
I pretend it’s to teach them about social media.
But I just like selfies.
And I like teaching.
I’m teaching an Entertainment Journalism class at Pepperdine.
The first day we did a mock junket.
We interviewed each other.
A student named JB interviewed me.
He asked if I had any regrets about my career.
People always ask…what do you miss about TV?
That’s easy.
I miss the false eyelashes, the theater tickets and some of the people some of the time.
But regrets…
That’s harder…
My main regret is I wasn’t Oprah.
Decades ago I was waiting to pick up my credential to cover an event.
A chick in a fur coat cut in front of me to get her credential.
Oh hi Oprah.
Cutting the line aside…
I admire Oprah because she has always used her platform for good.
I used my platform for gossip and stories on The Bachelor.
Not that there’s anything wrong with The Bachelor.
It’s just since I’ve been off TV I realize I’d rather be Mother Teresa.
But with a short skirt and a blow dry.
I want to travel the world and volunteer.
A mission trip makes you forget your own shit.
Doing something for someone will always make you feel better.
I call it (again with the selfies) selfie self-help.
I just wish I had used my small non Oprah TV name and fame to do more.
I could have raised more money for charity.
I could have helped change the world in tiny ways.
But you can’t change the past.
All you can do is do better.
And in this world which has some evil…
We have to do some good.
So I volunteer with Mending Kids.
And I teach my class.
That’s practically volunteer work.
If my commute was longer than 10 minutes I’d use my entire salary in gas.
I like teaching.
And I like what my students are teaching me.
But they have so flunked the assignment of coming up with a cooler name for me.