God Wants Me Sexy

Wine is my favorite food group. I rarely eat anything that hasn’t been to a factory first. I’m not saying do what I do. But people ask… What do you do? Or… What did you do? Implying plastic surgery. The ultimate compliment. But… If you really want to know. Here are 5 things I do. [...]

A funny thing happened on the way to the waterfall. I fell. My butt looks like Barney… Big and purple. This is a Fiji injury. So I don’t expect sympathy. A funny thing happened on the way to Fiji… I had to fill out a form. That asked… What’s your occupation. So… I used to [...]

Nick Simmons is pushing a wheelchair. Saying… I’m practicing for when Dad gets older. Dad still gets on stage… Rocks the costume & makeup. And rocks. So I think he’s OK for a while. Nick and Gene Simmons are volunteers on a Mending Kids mission. The missions are usually in Africa or Central America. This [...]

I woke up looking at a pyramid. Egypt? No. Vegas. The Luxor. Where Michael Jackson once lived. It’s 110 in the shade. But there is no shade. Unless I throw some at you. I’m in a mood. How? Why? I don’t know. Let’s go backwards… Like The Hangover. It starts with Britney Spears. My friend [...]

I didn’t buy Twizzlers. And we missed our flight. Not saying that’s why. But I always fly with Twizzlers. As God is my witness… I’ll never give up sugar again. We picked a bad day to fly standby. Tropical storm Bill (wasn’t even a damn hurricane) rained chaos on Dallas. Spent 12 hours in terminal [...]

Finally a reason for a golden shower. Said my girlfriend. We were at a fundraiser. Talking about pee. Apparently it’s the cure for everything. Wrinkles, fat, acne. Some drink it. Not me. Some rub in on their skin. Not me. At least not yet. Supposed to make skin tighter and brighter. You go. Then glow. [...]

Yes. My dress was too short. The legs are all I have left. So what the hell… I’m sitting on stage… With Larry King and Ana Garcia. Ana says… Larry is looking at your legs. Then she says… You have something in your teeth. I’d rather Larry look at my legs Than the thing in [...]

        I text Pat Harvey… PANIC She texts me… BREATHE Often I’m the one telling people to breathe. But breathing got me into this mess. I got in my car. Heading to a fundraiser. Pat and I were being honored. Feeling blessed. Liked my dress. Took a deep breath… And felt fresh air. [...]

      I found the fountain of youth. Or the fountain of growing older slower. It’s kind of milky. And Milky Way loves it. And… it’s cheap. Like 10 bucks cheap. I like expensive face stuff. Just tried samples of hundreds of bucks of stuff. I was shopping with angels. Not the Victoria Secret kind. [...]

        It was love at first sight. Wasn’t even my type. But I fell in love. With a dress. I do like loud. But this dress screams look at that rose by my boob. I had to have it. But I couldn’t. It’s a 2 thousand dollar dress. Perhaps you’ve heard, I’m unemployed. But [...]